Cleverly Other Perspectives

Thoughts and Stories
JazzAura

 

20240418, Thu
At the beginning of 2018 still, I could play an acoustic saxophone with a special technique but already I played with reeds that are actually designed to let no tones come into being. Some time later, as I needed to buy new reeds, I realized that they do not cope the slightest of humidity anymore, playing with a dry technique. My music store obviously gives me fake reeds. For whatever reason they do that, I can only imagine that there is a system that targets saxophonists who take drugs and would damage themselves, or musicians who were doing wrong things, and the like, to kind of blackmail them to change their direction. But I do not take drugs, nor was I doing something wrong. So, I couldn’t play for some time. Then a digital saxophone by Yamaha was on the market which I bought immediately. It’s an instrument that is played without reeds, like a recorder. And only now, a year later, or so, I play with it really much because it’s not the same as an acoustic saxophone and unfortunately more difficult to play. Luckily, playing for 25 minutes, every hour, is enough to give me a sustainable mood physically.

20240329, Fri
The guitar is currently the instrument I work with nearly exclusively. Acoustic sounds are quite powerful. A new preamp lets me perceive a difference. It’s a professional device that makes an electric guitar absolutely dynamic. The piano is neglected and it is open how it will go on with these digital sounds. For ages, I couldn’t sit with the guitar, but a new technique lets that be again. In the last two days, I have been playing so much that I became too fast for my concentration, and now with a slower pace, a strong jazz vibe is created. This is the first time for a long time that I am not playing the piano. One could argue that I make a beauty break. It could be that something new is then coming into being when I will play afresh. Usually, I have enough time to make music which is at the same time an important therapy for me.

20240310, Sun
One does not believe it, I guess. When I try to find a reason, goodness comes to my mind. There is music of mine available for streaming platforms, and I could say that one knows these publications. But the music industry has not accepted me, as a musician who is quite different and unique. Then there is torture, and I bring it into a connection with the music industry as well. When they try to weaken my performance, I have an argument to do something against it. And there is an idea for that already: Not a single concert will be given. In my opinion, one does not like that either because most musicians have to give concerts and, by doing that, they necessarily make themselves dirty, one could argue. So, the people for whom it is targeted would see that I stay at home and make music rather privately. One listens when I am practising. And that’s my punishment for them. When they can hurt me, there is a reward for me. You know, that helps! Why should I play for the folks who do not respect me?

20240303, Sun
Since the beginning of the year, I think, I had been livestreaming regularly and for many hours a session. Unfortunately, this activity lets neglect many basic and important things in life. That such a deficiency is the case is not new to me. When the negligences accumulated to an unreasonable degree, I stopped streaming and recovered quite soon. One needs to know what counts more for oneself, and, I guess, creating video recordings and overdub audio tracks is more valuable in my music. That’s why I won’t be streaming in the time ahead. The weather gets more suitable for music-making on the balcony, and this opportunity should be in the foreground. That I would but not make music at all is unthinkable, especially because it developed into a necessity for the mood. When I make music, I feel good generally.

20240229, Thu
Always these cruelty. When I start to make music, they start to bother me. Is a sign that they don’t like me. Why should I like them? Must be the police who has the buttons. Is something for people who go too far, but I am no criminal. Other very successful musicians cannot do the things that I can do. The relation isn’t right when I do not make money with my music. You know, I make them ridiculous with the tunes. That is, my way of playing makes them aggressive and angry. “Stop him!”, they would say. In my case, it is a therapy. I have to play precisely, otherwise it is painful; I work very hard on it. They work very hard against that. How can one do that? These must be people with power and might. Because I am too good? That’s no argument! Bad losers don’t deserve my music. Now get serious! Get adults! That’s not the way. I started to wish them damage. That’s what has been reached.

20240217, Sat
As it became clear that I am schizophrenic, I soon landed in a pension for people who cannot work. A few years later, I started to worry that I will one day loose it, which would but be a good sign – I wouldn’t have troubles anymore. The worries resulted from some ignorance of the severity of the disorder. The last few days showed that making music has become an effective therapy. Now there is evidence for me that work is still not possible, because when I am recording some instrument, where one has to post-edit the video, there are troubles initially as I start to play an instrument again. Only after a while of jamming, the mood is back and the troubles gone. This is in a way extremely great since it is mainly music-making that is needed. Out of my perspective, I won’t loose the pension so soon, and can go on with finding instrumental techniques that let the energy flow right and effectively.

20240209, Fri
That I had put more trust in the people since January made me be in unreality for some time because trust is something that doesn’t fit. It could be explained with money. They have monetary intentions, but mine are musical. And it will always be so. That’s the fundamental reason why I will stay flexible and view my audience as secondary. There has been created a website by me that is suitable for a such-intended audience. One can come and go, as one prefers. As a big advantage, I can concentrate on my music mainly and do not have much unwanted work. You know, I do not need these kicks one is supposed to get on stages. Faintly, but, the things I am writing about here are an excuse because I think that I also lack courage. To be not courageous enough would mean, also, that the mental disorder still strongly presses me down to the ground. Schizophrenia has always been in a bad light. Is it luck or is it fate that one has no interest? These situations make me feel black where I am faced with disrespect. In the end, I just go deeper in my improvisations and only care about my small, easy world.

20240203, Sat
Initially, it was nearly being touched by the instruments by just weakly jamming. Over the hours, this feeling faded out almost. It’s but the right way to play, the energy is here. So, if you feel something like being massaged by the piano keys, it gives you strength, and simply holding the fingers quite feebly all makes it. In entertainment, one hears it maybe sometimes. They would say as joke: ‘I get a piano massage’. Trying to describe the thing that happens, I just say it literally. It’s as if the mood escapes the devil with it, and so does not fall. Is it that I now have the piano as a kind of rest resort? This would be exactly the situation I intended. For more than 10 years, as I realized that one needs to get better in music, I have been practising very much to have making music an effective therapy. The medication alone is not satisfying. One needs to work on it oneself as well. For sure, there is now a bigger impulse to go on refining the instrumental techniques to get a helping energy out of it.

20240131, Wed
There have come into being many technique refinements over the years. Each instrument can undergo small changes within an hour. That the instruments are interconnected is clear. But what I experience now makes me have music be more interesting than ever before. Coming from the guitar, from weakly rolling the melody, I translated the thought onto the piano. Perhaps, these are finger impulses that are triggered when one just feebly plays the tunes. So, why is no one doing that? Instruments themselves can make you high! It’s the way you play with them. The best result for the technique I described is when one plays slowly. Why is no one doing that? Don’t musicians like to get supported by their instruments, by their everything? I am afraid that too many of them are raping their music into being, instead of listening to what they do and instead of perceiving the consequences of their styles.

20240130, Tue
For long already, I have had the problem on the guitar to play the strings upwards, since I am not dampening the instrument with the right flat hand, but with the fingers, with the thumb in this case, to have a great reverberation of the free strings. There have been tried a couple of methods. To dampen the leaving string with the leaving finger of the left hand was obviously too difficult. Overtones at the lower strings came to light, usually, when I used the right thumb. But today I discovered something better! By rolling the melody slowly and with a ‘weak’ force, I can relax so much that the mood isn’t affected, and all the tones are naturally dampened a priori by the fingers of the left hand. Pessimistically, I would say that the mood is made now only by a new brain region that is activated, and it would fade with the time. Optimistically, I say that there are techniques that work at the beginning at least. Certainly, there are more secrets still. It’s really cool! Nearly a new style is created.

20240113, Sat
Some musicians, especially guitarists, I think, are seen doing it sometimes. They look up to the ceiling while eventually giving a solo, demonstrating their skill perhaps. A couple of weeks ago, I had this for making music, but the mood-effect started to get weaker. As I now try to find something for chords on the piano, I do it similarly again, it’s just not as long. Only looking shortly to the ceiling, with the shoulders a bit to the back, whereas the breast makes a slight bow to the front, is enough to shake the brain sufficiently for having strength for the chord. Looking for too long seems to be counterproductive, and that is maybe not healthy anymore. Even though I am optimistic about it, I know also that most things that I tried and discovered became ineffective later. One can explain it! Typically, one needs to kill headache pain, otherwise it hurts. My problems with the mood are not really psychological. Rather they are physical because I was told that some substances in the brain are not produced in Schizophrenia.

20240111, Thu
From the beginning of Schizophrenia, already, making music has been a therapy, and initially I didn’t even know that clearly. There was running an intuition in my head that the piano would help me, but I also did not even know what the disorder was. One could say that the interest in music was the foundation to feel better in the end. Always, I was doing the things that they demanded of me as a patient, which were but small tasks. Now, I am independent, at least with the pension that I have been receiving. And my music started to deal with musical energy that looks to be very important for me. Two years ago, or so, it was easier to play when I was dreaming at the same time. This is not the case this way anymore, and many other things are not the case anymore likewise. At the moment, there has to be a focus on the stuff that I am doing when I make music, as if the energy wouldn’t reach me otherwise, as if there has to be a connection. So, dreaming and thinking is gone for now.

20231230, Sat
The year comes to a close, and I can look back to a nice performance. It started with coffee-food, food that had air-contact with organic coffee beans, and ends with drinking much green-tea-water, tap water that had contact with green-tea-air from the walls of a pottery drinking vessel. It was a to and fro with trying to stop drinking coffee, but in the second half of the year, it had become clear that coffee liquid blocks the effect of the medication too much. Astonishingly, I could completely stop with it. It’s just that I have to drink green-tea-water frequently, and, obligingly, hot water poured in a pottery drinking vessel that had contact with the air of green tea in a big pot, first of all, brings a fifteen-minute-mood. But one has to say that not every sort of green tea produces a mood sustainably! That’s why I am really happy that I finally found some tea. One could say that my life has become spiritual with it. And normally drinking this kind of green tea is also great. The empty cup of tea is first put into a big pot with coffee beans by me, as a trick. The combination causes a good tension.

20231226, Tue
There is also a spiritual connection by operating human electronics, I believe. That’s why I can say that the responsible people behind mine, started to be sensible with twitching and bothering, here, in the holiday season. It could be, for example, that one means it in a therapeutic way, where one hurts me deliberately especially in problematic situations, so that I would naturally find ways out of it. Didn’t they have a sort of pain therapy in the middle ages for schizophrenics because it was effective and nothing better did exist still? The stance of them altered my own stance as well. And it’s much easier when one is friendly. Otherwise, if it never was meant as training, I could believe that my talking and complaining about it bears fruit now. But I would get stronger anyway, which is maybe needed in music since many other musicians will get envious of the things I do, for sure.

20231213, Wed
Today is the release date of my first album. ‘Depth’ expresses its titles by instrumental techniques. All tracks existed already, but these titles were described with several different instruments. In this publication, the themes are interpreted exclusively by piano melodies. And the motifs for the techniques were composed spontaneously and all of a sudden. The tunes are improvised. In the past, I only published singles. As I uploaded the album for distribution yesterday, natural euphoria nearly accompanied me, which says that I have come further a stage. That one can do that from one’s home, flexibly, is something I find really great. The preparation of the album belongs to work, and I can imagine the next one quite soon. Again, I would take a draft and translate the content for piano melodies. Sooner or later, there will be listeners because it’s good music.

20231208, Fri
It will stay in my memory that my artist name was chosen because of a modulation technique on the piano. Initially, it was an exercise for getting familiar to the diatonic keys. Today, but, marks the beginning of a new chapter in the music world of Tom J. Change, since modulations, as I used to improvise with them, do not produce the right energy anymore. At the moment, chords as harmonies don’t let me feel good, which is actually contradictory, but I tried anything. It could also be that my pseudonym will loose its life. Otherwise, it could be connected to changing instruments, or techniques. One could say that I came out of adolescence in music, and because of a matured perception, the things need something deeper. Strong progressiveness will be the essence of JazzAura Music, so that the pieces of music are very suitable for the background. Ironically, there is a kind of drive, here, without modulations.

20231203, Sun
It should be clear now for me. Psychological circumstances constrain my way of living and music-making. There are but a few things that work well. For example, the website suits as a stage, and they come from all directions. My music is for everyone who likes justice, I would say, and probably one wonders what justice has to do with music. It is connected with my music because this is the character of mine. So, if the people come to me, they should be fair to one another, because music is positive. If somebody who listens does hurt others without reason, I would feel a resistance, and wouldn’t like to play for him or her. That’s me. That’s somebody who knows that cruelty is nonsense. Fact is, I do not see in the peoples’ minds, and cannot control them therefore. And because I believe that there are quite many out there who are cruel and dishonest, or such, it’s me who makes the step and keeps the distance in the first place. It’s not my task to make you a good person, and I also cannot demand anything from people whom I do not know. It’s just the connection that wouldn’t work, and I am avoiding these situations. That’s why my music will always be passive.

20231128, Tue
Entertainment is diverse, and even more so in our computer age. Because my toilette behaviour is unforeseeable, I do not intend to give concerts or make music on the street. But I can imagine to play via camera for restaurants or cafés later. As an adult with a mental disorder, I know well how it is to stay at home. My home is my stage, and making music is the therapy. Sooner or later, my cage is open and there are opportunities for me. At the moment, I just work on some instrumental techniques. That I would do something else instead of music is unlikely. That I reach a professional level without other musicians will be reality in my opinion. It’s not that I don’t like the people, it’s rather that it is too difficult with them. One shouldn’t underestimate Schizophrenia because this is a serious issue. The outlook to play via camera for an audience feels good, but maybe only because it looks to be far away from here.

20231116, Thu
Cruising into the morning, cruising into the day. As I decided to do only few recordings, for now, I knew that there will be more time for music. And it’s great! Typically, the piano is the first instrument that I play, before I would take others. A big driver for just making music is probably the belief that one is listening anyway, without that I make a recording. How it exactly works is actually not important to me. When they would block a video of mine from reaching views, then I know that they know what I am doing. And because I am treated in a special way, I eventually lost the desire to prepare recordings for my audience. Come and get me, I would say. Come and take the music! You know, it’s in a way childish of them, and so I do not have interest. They don’t take the things seriously. All one gets is an answer that isn’t an argument. What they can do, they believe! Is short-sighted. Not a single concert I will give in my life. That has been reached, but it is unwanted from their perspective later.

20231109, Thu
A big part in a typical day of mine used to be practising to my favourite music, and, as I was still live streaming, my own music was taken as accompaniment. Because of mood problems, I am depending on green tea generally, and could reduce the overall amount greatly by regularly and often drinking water from a pottery cup, or something, that had contact with the air of coffee beans beforehand. There is built a fluff of coffee air on the wall and the floor of the drinking vessel that is taken down by the water that is poured in, before it can be consumed to get a sustainable mood. But coffee-water is irritating in a big amount, as normally drinking a cup of coffee would be irritating. That’s why I cannot listen to music anymore when I am playing an instrument. The same would be happening, maybe, if I would play in a band. So, there will only be solo recordings in the coming weeks, or months, I guess.

20231105, Sun
Recently, I heard that the Taliban in Afghanistan, or wherever they are, started to ban the possession of musical instruments. In my opinion, these people are angry on super-rich musicians who have too many advantages, resulting in bad behaviour. I cannot imagine that one doesn’t see the quality of making music. An instrument as a way to relax or to spend some time enjoying the creating of one’s own tunes. A musical instrument is no weapon. I can imagine that the Taliban make music themselves. Smaller wooden wind instruments would fit their temperament. That one plays with weapons is something I do not understand. Many people on the planet are lost in attitudes that they developed because they do not know it better. Weapons instead of musical instruments? They don’t know what music is or can be, I think. Plenty of musicians themselves do not know that either, a reason maybe why one is angry on them. If one does not have bad intentions with making music, one has no arguments against it.

20231101, Wed
The people in the medical, scientific, or secret background started to twitch with the implants in my head when I make music. With a true attitude, I am not calling for help, here, because I’d like to deal with this situation my own in a special way. There can be several reasons why they do that. For example, physical movements, like they all do in jazz music, are forced upon me, as one knows that I didn’t do them and won’t do them by myself. As a result of this bothering, I will concentrate on audio recordings, I think, because I feel a little strange when one can watch me in a video where they intentionally move my head. It could even be that it should constitute a distraction, so that Tom J. Change doesn’t play precisely. How should I tell that my family? Actually, I do not have a concrete evidence for you. And one doesn’t need to believe me because it’s only a sign that I am far too good in music, you know.

20231021, Sat
There is scientific evidence that listening to music can increase the performance in sport, like jogging. And also in my case, it’s just music-making, the performance is better, before the mood falls. Progression is the secret. As long as there are brought tones into being on the guitar, the brain feeds the mood. An interruption, like tuning the instrument, is something I shouldn’t do when I was playing for a while already. Fact is that I can feel confirmed. The techniques on all the instruments develop energetically still. That the mood is supported shows that the right energy is triggered by these techniques. Of course, it has a limit. Big pain cannot be loosened or cleared by making music. Many things don’t work sadly. And I will be constrained for two more decades, I think. Often, I see that I am not good enough. Playing is the best way to get better, and I have the time for it.

20231002, Mon
Digital music distribution is optimal for me since I am recording myself. Another advantage is the full control over the publications. Exclusively, I am improvising, and these improvisations show the musical prowess of the moment. Around a year ago, I started, after some attempt without form years earlier, to publish solo piano music with content that can be seen also in the covers, which are pictures drawn by myself, where I try to capture the theme abstractly. Musically, I express the piece of music by a certain technique. And slowly, but maybe solidly, I get listeners, and will make money later, I think. All that lets me be quite flexible, as one says. Every four months, there will be a new piano track with a theme that describes this instrumental music, and when there are enough tracks, older ones will be deleted. The thought is to entertain dreamers who like to listen to longer titles, and who like to find a parallel in the creation and its title.

20231001, Sun
Initially, out of interest, as I was 18 years old at the military, the country made sure that one can monitor things in the brain, and, without telling me or asking me, placed implants in my body. One knew me as a very talented and skilful individual who but had reading difficulties that the other people in my age didn’t have. This was medical and scientific. Not much later, tragically, Schizophrenia developed, and their interest intensified, so that more and more implants had been placed. For long, I wasn’t aware of that, as it was still scientific and especially neurological then. Therapeutically, I played the piano and guitar autodidactically, and discovered things in music theory that stand still as a big counterbalance against jazz music and other genres. They don’t like me anymore, and scientific monitoring has become torture and bothering. Personally, I do not know a way out of it. Already, I can do things in music that other musicians cannot do anymore, and one knows about it. Musicians don’t like me because I am far too good. Okay! Keep cool, and do not confront yourself to these disrespectful people.

20230930, Sat
Yesterday, I experimented with some ideas for the modulation technique that is still developing, but realized that nothing comes close to a chord, though I hardly perceive the harmony consciously when I play the melody. My chords for the modulations are very tight, so that I can take five tones with the left hand at once, and my fingers are straight and stiff for that situation. Three weeks ago, this harmonious technique needed a pause, because, as I believe, the brain gets used to the regions that are activated while playing, and, in the meantime, I was generally jamming with melodies on both hands. Therapeutically viewed, harmonies are a must at the moment. As I replaced the chords with single tones, there was confidence that this would bring me further, but soon the energy was lost. Probably, I should listen more to the sound of the chords when harmonies are so important for me.

20230920, Wed
In my opinion, a digital piano with all its voices and effects is a therapy instrument. A patient in a mental disorder needs something to do and this has to be “simple”. There are pianists who favour complexity. Because I am in a life with a handicap, I know how difficult that can be. Likewise, doing always the same isn’t really working. Here and there, I try out new instrumental things, but many of them turn out to be useless later. For example, there is a heavy simplification concerning my modulation technique. For ages, I used to play with chords, but now replace a chord by a single tone, and I take this tone as the fourth note of the key with which I like to create the melody. Playing the piano is also physical, you know. Pressing a chord does not produce the energy that I need at the moment. Certainly, there are various ways to jam in simple techniques, so that it is relaxing and positively energetic.

20230919, Tue
It’s a big difference if one works much inside in one’s working room, or if there is an opportunity to be outside for a long time daily. Some weeks ago, I realized that livestreaming keeps me be in the dwelling for too long. As a result, I couldn’t deal with the underlying stress anymore, and had to stop streaming. There I decided that I won’t do that anymore. That’s why I have more time for other things now, like the balcony. For this part of the dwelling, I bought myself a suitable piano. And when we have a cloudy day, here, in the city, I would be outside as long as I can. Already, I feel much healthier, caused for sure by the fresh air. The piano is my wheelchair that keeps me above water. And I think that I am playing differently outside also. In my childhood, we were often in forests. If I tell that somebody, I am not believed really. The city is cold compared to nature, but it’s much better when I make music on the balcony.

20230905, Tue
One of the qualities of my artist name that has developed into it, over the years, is changing instruments. On the piano, one can work with voices and techniques. As I come to know, the main piano technique with which I am playing for three months, maybe, has to be switched sooner or later. In my repertoire are principally two. Some with harmonies and tunes, and the other technique has exclusively melodies on both hands. The brain needs variety. Jamming with a certain technique is never the same, like the waves on a coast are never the same, but the regions in the brain get used unchangingly. It simply does not go on anymore now. Changing the voices on the piano will be the main strategy in the next few weeks, I think. It’s as if the technique with chords is charging meanwhile, and I just have to let it rest.

20230903, Sun
After half a year of writing about green tea and coffee-food, I realize that it has become quite technical, so that reading the information isn’t nice anymore. Often, things needed to be described that are complicated, and I stumbled with words. Well, it developed quickly, and there were always new situations. Probably, the people believe already that I am totally mad. Maybe, one sees it as unimportant. There was an intention to make known how I am dealing with the mood problems, because, I guess, some people would have benefit from it, and, also, it’s standing against drugs. It’s simply about coffee or green tea. In my opinion, there should be an easy solution, and I just tried to find some. I now write about other things, like music, and it should go down much better.

20230902, Sat
Because I have not really much to do, I started livestreaming again, where I decided earlier that I won’t do that anymore. The mental disorder does not give me a place for it, as I learned. Only a few days were enough, and the mood problems are bigger. One can compare it with drinking coffee. It had taken a couple of months until I completely stopped with coffee, until I have found out that it is not working in my case. And it is so with livestreaming as well. When I felt better, I was strong enough for it. But this is a tough business! Logically, I can explain the modern dilemma that so many people get mentally ill. The things are too heavy, too burdensome. It’s as if you have the muscles to run the whole day but other things in your body do not play the game. One needs relaxing time, a lot of it, I think. For example, watching TV isn’t relaxing. It’s a strain. Well, I thought that my music helps out. Maybe, this is just too early.

20230821, Mon
At the very beginning, it started with smelling on a package of coffee beans where I realized that there is a high from it. And I then took a small fabric and bound some beans under my nose to have the mood effect while making music, but soon it didn’t work anymore. The question was how can I capture the coffee-air. It resulted in infusing tap water for drinking with the air of coffee beans which worked also only temporarily against the problems. Drinking pure tap water hurts in my case. As I tried to sniff tap water, out of despair, two days ago, there was a mood from it, but, after a day, it didn’t come anymore. So, I dared to try tea-water, because drinking water that had contact with the air of green tea gives a mood, if only for a short time. And in the nose it’s stronger. Don’t they sniff drugs? Well, I won’t dare to do that! In my situation, nothing really helps, and, I think, that also tea-water will not really help later. But now I am obviously having a nice time.

20230820, Sun
It’s crazy to go without green tea in my situation, I guess. Planned are now two spoons of tea a day, reasonably, when standing up in the morning and later after my midday break in the afternoon. Or, I do not manage it simply. There were at least two attempts to go totally without tea as well. Without green tea the body was so weak. Terrible. My father does not drink coffee or green tea, nor does he drink alcohol. He is fine. Let’s see! The amount of green tea was concretely too big, so that, also, the shower products with ethereal oils didn’t bring the mood anymore. This was a pre-sign for me that much green tea will fail. A day without tea lets me be in the race again. In the meantime, I discovered sniffing tap water to get a mood, but that’s not working against bigger problems.

20230819, Sat
Oh, what an idea! Out of despair, I tried to sniff pure tap water to get a mood, because I am not even drinking green tea anymore now. And there is a mood effect, and I can play an instrument with it. Hopefully, I won’t get headache from it, but tap water shouldn’t be unhealthy. In my early youth, we were often out in the swimming pool in the summer months, and, as we jumped into the pool again and again, it happened that I swallowed pool water accidentally. I could remember that water can make high this way. Also, at least in my case with a weak condition, normally drinking water gives an effect as well, but quickly afterwards it hurts. Pessimistically, but, I don’t believe that this helps me for the rest of my life, since so much that was discovered had helped only for some time.

20230818, Fri
Whatever helped, helped only temporarily. Too much green tea just makes me weak, and then the mood doesn’t come anymore. It’s a big question how I should go on. Coffee or green tea isn’t the medicine I need. But totally without these products does make me crazy. It could be that a moderate consumption would help, at least for a certain amount of time. The rest of the day cannot be spent with making music probably. Eventually, I just lay around for a long time. On the other hand, no consumption at all could actually be possible. If this would be the secret, one shouldn’t give up so soon. Two weeks and it is looking different maybe. For now, I lay a coffee bean in the mouth and won’t drink green tea anymore. That’s my trick for the transition. The disorder demands to have dismoods, I think. One cannot really come around them.

20230816, Wed
It had been a nice time with livestreaming the last few weeks. That I am good and unique is known, I think. Lately, strange things happened on my computer where I have no insight at all. Hacking is done everywhere by good and bad people. The thing is that I am not accepted, and when they hack my computer, they complain. Now, I go my way. It does not say that I don’t make music anymore. More time will be spent on the balcony, before it gets too cold. It’s a nice experience to play the guitar and watch birds or aeroplanes here and there. Livestreaming just provokes the people who don’t like me, and there are too many, I guess. It’s not the first time that I had to stop streaming. If one does not like me, I won’t play.

20230815, Tue
Because I landed on carrot crisps that had contact with the air of coffee beans in a big pot, I stopped with regular coffee-food, like rice or spaghetti, so that the carrot crisps, which gave me a nice effect on the mood, are strong enough to really work against some dismood. But the crisps, even though I cut them thin, let hurt the teeth, due to the required pressure to eat them. Then I tested coarsely grated carrots that I laid in a cheek of the mouth, but soon the mood didn’t come with it anymore. That’s why I now eat these coarsely grated coffee-carrots in between making music, and it looks as if this is the ultimate food in addition to drinking green tea. Obviously, the amount of green tea liquid per infusion makes a big difference. Today, I drank three litres of green tea. It’s so sedative!

20230814, Mon
Optimistically, with an adequate attitude, I tried to stop drinking tea, but it failed. Out of a fate, maybe, I landed on green tea. It’s just a question how I should deal with the downside after the mood effect. As it decided, I realized that the mood problems are too heavy for music-making. Now, I see that there are mood problems, but I can make music with them. And I choose pain with making music, not pain without being able to make music, because I just like to play an instrument. This in itself is so open-hearted that, I think, it will get to a stage where I can work with instruments, like other musicians can work with them. Still, I am constrained to a big extent, and actually it is a bit exciting to be in the need to find things that help me therapeutically. So, all I have is green tea, as it looks, but instrumentalism will be energetically developed further and further.

20230814, Mon
It makes a strange picture on consumption to me. Green tea used to be the beverage for my mood in the last few weeks, but I found out that it is contra-effective later, that there is a downside, like one has from drinking coffee. Probably, the time could be right, I come along better without drinking green tea also. With a mental disorder like mine, everything is sensitive. It shows now that consuming coffee or green tea cannot bring a sustainable effect for the mood. It must do the medication alone mainly. In addition, I have instrumentalism that could be a sort of medication. Switching the instruments often helps clearly. Here, I wonder if one can get mentally ill from consuming alcohol, coffee, or green tea. Because there is hidden a secret eventually, I am going to let away green tea as well.

20230813, Sun
It doesn’t look as if my mood problems will have disappeared in the next twenty years. The only relief is that I find techniques for dealing with it, and often these are instrumental techniques that have to do with energy. Typically, but, all that is moving, and has to be developed constantly. As I understand it, the brain is used in a certain way if some technique is applied progressively, and is using up the muscle power, one can say. There are so many ways to play an instrument if one goes into fine details. But these details can make the effective energy that is needed for the mood. The suffering comes for sure, it comes in time, and has a concrete reason. That’s why I cannot give concerts, not even small ones. How severe the disorder is still is not clear to me. If one has it so often, it is really bothering. The best thing is tranquillity, and one would not get that on stages or the accompanied meetings.

20230807, Mon
White is the colour for peace. Gradually, people on the internet come to know me and my music, and many of them get only angry. They can remember some of the things that I have written, or some of the instrumental techniques that I have presented, and it must deeply hurt them inside because, I think, one cannot do the same. My opponents will always know me as a very good and talented person. Probably, they see too much competition, where I but come for music. This week, I will receive a new electric guitar, a white Fender Stratocaster. To me, this guitar represents joy and honesty. If you know the background, you just get inspired. So, when I am playing this instrument, I myself remember the attitude. In the first place, there is an answer, but, if one does not show respect, I would start with measures, at least as far as one can reasonably do that. Don’t wonder when I make a bow around you.

20230803, Thu
A month of audio streaming every day is simply too much for me. This morning, I realized that the attended stress does not let me feel good anymore. The break from it, here, in the afternoon, is cool. In the last few days, the pauses that I otherwise made every hour were neglected. But I believe that pauses of ten minutes are not enough. One needs to find a place in the day where one can spend some hours for live streaming. Clearly, I can understand famous musicians who are on tour so often. The problem is that it is not only making music. There are technical issues sometimes, and that uses up energy. One day in my psychosis, a neurologist said to me that I cannot deal with stress, and I didn’t really understand what he means at that time, due to a weakness in perception. Now, I see that this is typical also in my case.

20230731, Mon
In my youth, I came in touch with the music of Frank Zappa, and later found Arabic-sounding parts in some of his solos. As I then had interest in music theory, I discovered the scale “harmonic minor” which is Arabic-sounding if you play the keys of it in a certain way. But so far I have not stumbled across music from Arabia that uses these elements that are possible with Arabic-sounding scales. There was a time where I was looking for traditional Arabian Music, without success. And Arabia has so much of these hits that are all similar to each other, but without the deeply Arabic-sounding tunes that I can now throw with ease on the piano. I told myself: If I cannot find the music in Arabia, I make it my own. And this thought has become even more far-reaching: I am on a mission to make Arabian musicians aware that there is missing an essential constituent in their own music.

20230726, Wed
Probably, it was the transition from a recommencement of drinking coffee to trying it without drinking coffee again that I needed a coffee bean in my mouth for support. But it turned out that direct coffee per se causes mood problems. There is no way back, I think. The body has accustomed itself to a life without coming in touch with coffee. Green tea makes it, as it looks. And raw, grated carrots that had contact with the air of coffee beans in a big, closed pot in between drinking tea. Also, I can sing and talk with the carrots that are in my mouth on a side. It must be the foundation that helps me for now. Unfortunately, there is no creative push of a cup of coffee anymore, but it simply doesn’t work with it. Optimistically, I will be calm throughout the day, would sleep better, and do not get frustrated eventually.

20230720, Thu
First, there was a longer mood effect of carrots that had contact with the air of coffee beans when I was chewing them longer, where I realized that some vitamins are taken up in the mouth, and now I lay a single coffee bean into the mouth for ten minutes in support, before I put it out again. The coffee bean causes a bad mood and is irritating, but the coffee-carrots afterwards, which I lay in the mouth as well, catch me from it. Everything gets weaker, as I expect the coffee bean effect in the mouth to get weaker. It’s difficult to make music totally without drinking coffee. This morning, the time didn’t pass by at all. Also, I was depressive. Here, in the afternoon or early evening, with a bit of coffee from the coffee bean in support to the carrots, it’s much easier. Pessimistically or logically, I expect but that I have to drink coffee later because the mental disorder does not excuse the mood.

20230716, Sun
At the beginning, most food items that I tried as coffee-food showed the desired mood effect. Over time, which had run for half a year, these coffee-air on the food got naturally weaker in consumption, because the body accustomed itself to the coffee-food, even though I soon started to activate the coffee beans in the closed environment by stirring the coffee bottom up heftily. Some food items later revealed itself useless. In the meantime, I had to start with drinking coffee again, but now try to come along without drinking the beverage once more, as I discovered that grated coffee-carrots show the desired mood effect when I lay half a spoon in my mouth for some time. This morning, standing up and waking up was easy. One isn’t so tired initially without drinking coffee. And I can jam to my favourite music again, because nothing is irritating anymore.

20230714, Fri
A different way of consuming raw carrots that had contact with the air of coffee beans in a big pot lets me be in the race again. Because of some complications, I am not sure how far it works with my medication or painkiller, and I can just advice newcomers to coffee-food to take care and test only small amounts. Somewhere, I heard that particular vitamins are taken up in the mouth, and the new carrot concoction lets me lay, for some time, half a spoon of these finer and thinner, raw carrot pieces in front of my tongue in the mouth, where the amount obviously takes up something of the coffee air that is on the carrots. That’s why I try it without drinking coffee again, especially because I do not sleep so well anymore since the recommencement of drinking two cups a day. One has to take care with it.

20230713, Thu
Recently, a simple technique to deal with psychological pain had been accidentally discovered by me. Out of a voice, I tried to just endure the suffering while making music, and it instantly solved into a good feeling. In the meantime, the trick was forgotten, but is now in use again, after a desperate evening two days ago, where I couldn’t come out of these mood troubles anymore. If I bear the pain, it sustainably clears into feeling good. It cannot be so easy one supposes. In this stage of the mental disorder with 40 years of age, it well works. In how far an instrument is needed is unknown to me. It wouldn’t but come as a surprise if I am depending on music-making. All the hard work in the last twenty years bear fruit now. The situation tells me that there can be done much in a mental disorder like mine.

20230710, Mon
Astonishingly, after seven days of audio live streaming, there is still an effective drive that one gets at a beginning of such an activity. It happened at least two times already. By streaming for weeks, but, the interest can be lost and the mood disorder would lead the body. This is not in sight, here, and, not necessarily, it will be so again. This time, I am having a few viewers that build the drive. For the first time, an audience hears what I am doing. And it goes for hours into the day. Actually, I cannot wait for the next session. In this week, the platform was tested. Now, it will just be making music because nothing changes anymore. To my favourite music, I am not playing currently. My own recordings are so good meanwhile that they hold my mood while jamming over them. Oh, that’s valuable!

20230627, Tue
Drinking coffee has become necessary again. This morning, I tried to start my day without anything – no green tea, and no coffee. Full of conviction, I managed but only three hours. It is then a real depression. It would take months until my body has accustomed itself to nothing. That is torture. The problem is that I do not have a substitute. But actually it’s nice, because “coffee” makes it. Coffee is a regular product, available everywhere. One only has to deal with the reverse of the coffee effect which lets one be in a low. Jogging would be something for that. Luckily, I have food that came in touch with the air of coffee beans for that situation, but it is only effective when I am also drinking coffee.

20230626, Mon
There must be a way without coffee. Out of desperation, I will try it once more. This time with only a minimum amount of green tea, or even nothing. After a week with drinking two cups of coffee a day, depressive experiences are recognized here in the evening. That’s not good! It would lead to troubles again. Actually, I was very close, I think. For half a year, coffee-food had been strong enough. Hopefully, tiredness doesn’t make the effort fail. It’s not so easy. A life without coffee would be more reasonable in my situation because the medication wouldn’t be partly blocked in its effect, and I would get more out of these vitamins that I am taking. In a way, it is exciting.

20230625, Sun
Suddenly, food that had air-contact with coffee beans couldn’t make my mood long enough anymore. That’s why I am regularly drinking coffee again. Two cups each day, and there is no intention to increase the dose. The first days were easy. A sustainable mood for quite a long time. But the mood effect got shorter already, which was also expected. For the time in half a year, I just hope that it is still enough, because I cannot drink much of it. The bladder is very sensitive at the moment which looks to me as a typical symptom of the mental disorder. Making music with coffee is the great thing about it. When the mood is fine, it really works well. And probably there is a drive for writing, where good ideas are the basis for the themes. Coffee-food has its function again, but, for this function, I need contact with coffee as well.

20230525, Thu
A further musician who passed away suddenly, or prematurely. It is kind of unbelievable, especially when they talk about the reason of death, as if they all escape the public and live a secret life. With interest in what happened, I am thinking also, but, about accidents with alcohol in combination with drugs. And it makes me be afraid, you know. Since I am living with this mental disorder, I am introverted. It could happen by chance on the street, where I would forget to look when crossing a road. Here, I have a further reason to stay at home, leading my music for myself rather, and trying to not come in contact with the real, hard, and dangerous musician-life. Fame is distracting.

20230517, Wed
To ethereal oils that are found in the shower products that I am using, I have built a special relationship. For some time, shoes and socks that had air-contact with some shampoo, or some shower gel, had made my mood by wearing them. Sadly, it got too weak within two months. This was a consumption over the skin. But it works as well by breathing the ethereal oils, like one is breathing them under the shower. So, I wrapped a plant soap in paper and put it in a soft case for guitar, and play with it now. At least here at the beginning, the mood comes and is clearly better. Probably, it has to do, also, with coffee that I am not drinking anymore, as the mood experience from a shower is longer since I stopped with coffee. I believe that these products are made for the body, and that breathing the ethereal oils is something for the soul.

20230430, Sun
For two months, or so, I haven’t drunken coffee. Headache, resulting from a single cup in a week, fully stopped me. But today, I tried the beverage out of interest. In these two months, much green tea was consumed, and, more importantly, food that had contact with the air of coffee beans. Coffee was the only thing I had in my psychosis, and it works well in music. Maybe, it is not the best for reading notes, but especially improvising is powerful with it. The test now shows that green tea suits better, because, by coffee, impatience is increased. With coffee food, I have a direct comparison. Coffee food makes my mood mainly, and it is a completely different thing. The effect of ethereal oils, which I have in my shower products, isn’t blocked or hampered, for example. Without any doubts, green tea will be the beverage that supports me in music-making.

20230414, Fri
That I am working with musical energy is not new anymore. One can prolong a session when the energy of a technique is right, because one feels better simply. New is, but, that I learned that, over the months, the things do not work anymore as they used to work. It has to do, I think, with the movements in the brain, that are triggered by the instrumental technique one is playing with, that are accustomed sooner or later. One could argue that the brain needs something exciting, that the same landscape all the time is boring. The guitar, for example, does not let me play chords suddenly, and also on the piano, a style with chords does not work for long. But chords are harmonies and should have a nice effect actually! Well, I believe that I need to find the right technique still. Melodies are great at the moment on the other side, and I am jamming a lot.

20230330, Thu
Every instrument is different to play. But there are parallels among them. In my case, it has to do with performance. The more I need to concentrate in playing with a certain technique, the more difficult it is to build or maintain my mood. If I can relax, it works well, and, not necessarily, I have to listen to the things I play. Constantly dreaming in an improvisation could distract from the troubles. A couple of days ago, I discovered something to relax on the piano. One of my techniques places melody figures on a chord that is just pressed down for a single time and then fades away into the melody. And after the melody, a pause of around ten seconds directly relaxes the brain and is therefore building the mood. As someone who always struggled with making music, I am quite happy with that now.

20230315, Wed
Now, totally without drinking coffee, but with much green tea, the things are different. As a therapy, because I am living in solitude, I am speaking into the room, into a microphone, imagining that there are interlocutors. Mainly, I do that while making music. Talking is much more precise without coffee, which feels great. It looks as if coffee confused me. As it was the beginning of switching to green tea, I recognized, when drinking sometimes coffee, that I get voices from it, since I was not used to the beverage anymore. Coffee confuses me in combination with the medication maybe. Green tea, now, is nice! The bladder is in a far better condition, and I think that one can drink a lot of green tea. With the months, I have accumulated a few distinct sorts of tea, so that the mood gets its part from variety.

20230224, Fri
A new life has begun for me. Because of headache when I drank coffee, resulting from drinking only a single cup in a week, I decided to stop with coffee completely. And it works! Green tea, that had air-contact with coffee beans, is the substitute. Conveniently, a new brewing method that I discovered accidentally is now in use. One has to simply cover green tea with a top in the infusion to get a beverage that wakes you up. And if this very tea is consumed hot, it is very good for the mood, for actually quite a long time. Absolutely. That’s the thing that brings me through the troubles and through the day. I am not sleeping anymore at midday, but I am sleeping two hours longer into the morning. There are many ways to consume tea, and I have found some that suits me.

20230223, Thu
My artist name was chosen at around the time where I started to take a key exercise as a modulation technique. For fifteen years, I have used the technique to play piano. But recently, the energy that was created by jamming with modulations is too weak, so that I simply cannot really play with it anymore. Being stronger than usual is the only chance I have, but it does not take long and the mood would be gone. Is this the end of modulations? Probably not totally, because it is not the technique, it is the disorder that does not let me, and, sooner or later, the conditions would be more suitable again. So, underneath the artist name, for now, would be changing instruments, which is always a good strategy. Modulations are too big at the moment.

20230211, Sat
There are many ways to consume coffee. Last week, I decided to stop with it, because it had got ineffective to build a mood by drinking just a single cup of coffee in a week. It looked as if it does not make sense anymore. But today I could remember that a mixture of coffee and green tea was the only thing that helped half a year ago. So, it helps again. Within a week, my body develops a sort of thirst for coffee, and there was a lack of drive in the last two days. I think that a mixture of coffee and green tea would be a nice medication, once in a week. One does not need much of it. Actually, one has to take care! It’s quite strong. I called it “rum” for myself because it is comparable to alcohol. This kind of beverage is a big help at the moment.

20230207, Tue
By drinking a single cup of coffee only every week on Sundays, it obviously got ineffective for building up a mood. That’s why I stopped with it totally. Green tea is the substitute, and it does not block the medication’s effect, as it looks. The vitamins that I started to take should bring a better result, now, without coffee. Again, I can move more than I could move, and I am not so tired during the day also. It seems to be no problem. How it will develop is unknown, but, I think that it is the best that can happen to me. In my youth, I used to smoke, and I smoked much. There is no way back. It’s all poison for the body. Green tea is better. Probably, headache does not come so frequently anymore as well.

20230117, Tue
Whatever I have discovered that helped me to build a good mood, helped me only for some time. Coffee-infused food, which was so promising at the beginning, is nearly too weak now. Probably, I should come back to recent discoveries, but the body remembers the experience, I think. Is it waiting for the disorder to have disappeared? Well, I do not feel really bad. Eventually, it falls under being accustomed to failures, and such. It could be that I will get a little thicker, because I obviously need more of coffee-infused food. Then, as a new strategy, the infusion could be made longer, resulting in more strength of the food. Let’s believe that I come through nevertheless with green tea, for instance!

20230110, Tue
If it is positive or negative – nearly three weeks without coffee showed, in drinking a cup of it today, that the beverage is actually bad for the mood in my phase of schizophrenia, being 40 years old. Is this the end of drinking coffee? Well, if it does not help me anymore, I cannot do it logically. Giving it up is giving up a creativity push and the desire to talk. So many people are drinking coffee, all sorts of coffee, and they never fall in a bad mood. It’s not frustrating, it’s a new life in the end, and naturally one doubts new situations. So, I simply do it! Without knowing how it will develop, I will stop with it completely. Feels good, actually. One should not run against the wall when one is aware of it. Obviously, I haven’t expected that.

20230103, Tue
Coffee-infused food, like nuts or pieces of carrots or apples, that was in a closed environment, where coffee beans fill the air inside, make my mood in between playing an instrument. Surprisingly, I could stop drinking coffee, and the amount of green tea is small at the moment. Also, water is now consumed from a coffee sphere. Typically, such discoveries had faded and were ineffective after some time, but this one is seemingly strong enough. The effect of the medication is partially blocked by drinking real coffee, but coffee had been helping me for fifteen years. Some things need a pause sometimes. It was a longer inventing process, where the length of the coffee infusion for the food needed to be defined and tested, for instance. I’m not sure how valuable this is actually! Maybe, I don’t really realize what a milestone this is for me, here, at the beginning of coffee-infused food.

20221222, Thu
With a new acoustic guitar that I bought recently, everything changed. Because of the strings on the acoustic, the sliding sounds are much louder, compared to electric guitars – and I didn’t like them. Up to then, I was sliding a lot. Typically, a new instrument is played much in the first few days, and I tried to lift the fingers of the left hand. This was instantly feeling so good that I played the electric guitars this way as well, which was much more difficult because the strings are tighter. But I am still playing with lifting the fingers, and can now even switch to all other strings again. For some time, I couldn’t do that because the tone colour difference triggered mood complications. That’s why I had just been playing horizontally on a single string. And the ultimate novelty is that my guitar style sounds more of jazz music now.

20221206, Tue
Astonishingly, I could stop drinking coffee. Only on Sundays, I will drink a single cup. By using ethereal oils indirectly on my shoes, the mood can be maintained, and these oils work best without coffee. Two years ago, or so, I switched to special showering products where I discovered immediately that the mood gets absolutely fine after a shower. And because I was already drinking a minimum amount of coffee, lately, the showering experience was better. That’s why I know that ethereal oils work best without coffee. A shower holds only for some time. At first, I thought that I can indirectly take in the ethereal oils over a jacket, but this wasn’t bringing the effect I need. Then I believed that socks would do it, and it resulted in shoes and socks that are placed in a plastic bag or a paper box where the shower gel or the shampoo with the ethereal oils is also located. One doesn’t really get high from it, but, surprisingly, the mood is simply better. Hopefully, it will not get too weak over time.

20221128, Mon
Much falls under paranoia and stress, I think. Actually, I am quite disordered still, but music-making is a kind of make-up that therapeutically covers the troubles. If something happens, like somebody ringing the door, or unknown noises in the dwelling, I immediately fall into light or even stronger panic, as it looks. That’s why I just like to play piano or the guitar because it really helps. Probably, it is only a distraction from real issues which I cannot properly process, but it helps. And the things that help are the things that I do naturally. Because they feel good. In my case, it takes ages. There is a positive development every two months, or so, but it is always only a bit. Good or bad – I cannot change it. So, music covers the problems and lets me forget the difficulty that I am in daily.

20221123, Wed
With only a few different techniques, I am playing the piano. Not long ago, the right side was especially effective to build up or maintain the mood. But suddenly, it needed an alteration, and my main style then involved the left side as well. This triggered more relaxation with the other techniques. One can conclude that the left side is equally important as the right side. That’s why I now try to bring much variety into the piano sessions, and percussion is used in between for a short pause. With all the instruments that I play, I have variety. Naturally, mainly because of interest, it developed into being an instrumentalist. Probably, it’s improvising in itself that shows me the way. Led by music. Well, it is a longer process. Only sometimes, one gets ideas, and not every idea makes it.

20221117, Thu
Somewhere, I stumbled over it but was never trying it myself, until I discovered last week that green tea is better for the mood when it was in the fridge after the infusion. So, I could remember that, I had a trace, and I now put tap water and coffee together for an hour. The result is amazing for my situation. The coffee beverage is not so dark in colour, but obviously stronger than other concoctions, relative to the amount of coffee. Unfortunately, it's a beverage with room temperature and fits rather to the summer months. Eventually but, I just hope that, its healthy for the body concerning the power of resistance and immune system – like going barefoot on a cold floor. Luckily, the new beverage tastes a bit better, and the making is easier. As I have learned, the magic could disappear after some months, because one needs variety, but I could switch to the other concoctions again for some time.

20221103, Thu
As one is starting to play an instrument, there is not much form. Music theory comes usually later, especially when one aims to become a professional musician. In my case, interest in how the chords get their label triggered the diving into the matter, but I confined myself to the essential and got only a direction of it. In my opinion, music theory is just a small foundation that can be used to build a great ability to create melodies. It’s not that you should calculate the melody – one has to hear it. If you hear the tunes in your improvisation, the rhythm gets adapted slightly and it simply sounds more harmonious. It’s all about the waves, the stress you put on a tone, as a result of trying to get the target, the thing you heard. I think there is more to come. My improvisations are sometimes so lively!

20221031, Mon
A reason why I couldn’t finish school was the inability to understand text, and also text in mathematics. Only as an eighteen-year-old, unknowing, and inexperienced young man, I started to read to treat these inability. Now, with forty still, it’s not satisfying, but schizophrenia came in between. A couple of days ago, by discovering that I understand more of text if I key it in, I started to create documents of the things that I write off from these books or blogs I am reading. And that’s why I have neglected writing news, here, because I am writing slowly and it therefore swallows a lot of time. One can view it as a big step or discovery that has the potential to better treat the inability to understand text.

20220827, Sat
By imagining in advance a path for the melody of the right hand, which is similar to forming a chord, I have reached a kind of broadness in the brain, so that it is not clearly necessary anymore to stay on the right side with my concentration. For some time, the chord on the left had triggered pain if I was on the left side, but the broadness allows a more comfortable experience. ‘Luck’ I call it. All that tells me that the brain is developing quickly, because it was the case suddenly from one day to the next, and that one can really make a difference. Yesterday, I realized that the way I play piano describes my mood, my condition. Logically, I should not give up when there are so great achievements sometimes, and it is actually no theme at all anymore. Piano-playing can do a lot therapeutically.

20220823, Tue
It all started with a little sandglass that gives four minutes. In exchange with making music, I was reading. It worked so well at the beginning that I could not really understanding it. As a result, some things were neglected, but I was doing something all the time. At the same time, a new modulation technique was developed on the piano. As I have found out, the right hand with its melody, and therefore the right side of the brain, more or less, needs a focus, and not the left hand with the hard chord. Well, the chord is a pleasant harmony, but bringing some into being mechanically is only working painlessly if I am on the right side with my concentration. At first, I was reading every four minutes in between. The sandglass has lost its effect unfortunately. Again, I am playing much piano, so much that the new modulation technique looses its drive. There is always a problem as it seems. Never really, music lets me play in peace. This is hard work, and I believe that it helps.

20220726, Tue
Things are changing quickly, instrumentally. So much I have to try out, regularly. A couple of weeks ago, I rather used to dream and think while playing an instrument, and simultaneously speaking was too difficult. Arrived at something different today on the piano, I try to focus on the keys and what the touch of the melody does to the fingers, and I have to order myself onto the right side when I am jamming with modulations, because an attention on the harmony on the left triggers problems. All in all, dreaming is hampered now. And if this technique turns out to be useless then another will be tried, until I landed on something lasting. Obviously, there are very many possibilities in music, technically speaking. It should be an advantage for me as a creative musician since I get good ideas usually.

20220708, Fri
One could compare my current improvisation style to writing. The main feature of my music are instrumental techniques that I have strongly shaped in the last two years. It’s whether harmonies or just melodies, but also a combination constitutes a typical form for making music. And so, the guitar as an example, a chosen style is maintained for a while before another technique is taken. One can call it punctuation. For some time, I am jamming musical text, and set then a pause, where I let die away the chord or the tone, which would be the period of a paragraph. Then it goes on with something else, until another pause brings another technique. While reading in a book, I started to wait for about two seconds after a full stop, and only then proceed with the next sentence. It’s more relaxing, as it is in music as well. That’s all helping me.

20220624, Fri
A new instrumental discovery is easing the sessions now! Astonishingly, by only slowing down the tempo to a constant base, the mood can be kept, because playing slowly is not so strenuous as complexity and speed. So far, it is nearly working with everything. A completely different landscape has been created. Tempo alterations can now be stronger, and tonal stress is more dynamic. If I listen to former recordings, I see immediately that the faster tunes confuse the mind. People are not that open. Loud and complex music results in drinking alcohol, for example, where then the senses are closed and the music blocked away. As a jazz musician, the ears of mine are receptive, and I am living from listening.

20220617, Fri
Fact is, the people don’t like me. This is obvious to me when I look onto the response I get on the internet. Well, there are friends, and individuals who see the value in my music, but too many users see competition only. That’s why I stopped live streaming today. Now, it is so clear that I do something else. The production of videos is more suitable for me. I started with overdub recordings, and it is beginning to take shape. So if people like to have my music, they have to come to my website, and those who do not stand me won’t come. Importunity (= Aufdringlichkeit) is not my thing – I cannot afford it also. For two weeks, I had offered myself, but realized that this is too much for the folks who look at me with suspicious eyes.

20220608, Wed
For around half a year, I have focused on making videos here and there. Since the beginning of June, but, most of the time goes into audio live streaming, where I reach more than five hours, two times a day. There are short playback pauses in between which I am using for reading a bit on the balcony in fresh air. Again, I see a drive for streaming. When live streaming is coming from a longer break, there is great energy for it. And if this will go on for months, it is likely that the drive has faded. New is that I am using percussion instruments as well. They are situated directly on my piano and offer themselves as variety. It could be that percussion counterbalances the fading of the drive. Entertainment makes me tired.

20220522, Sun
My artist name was chosen because of modulations. Seventeen years ago, or so, I developed a technique on the piano that lets me change the keys with every next chord, where there is always built-up a melody on these successive chords that give a new key each time. Just beforehand, I compared it to walking. Every chord is a step. Usually, I am jamming with modulations when I play the piano, because of the harmonies, I think. In walking, one does not concentrate on the steps normally. There is room for thinking. And exactly that helps. Thinking and dreaming while playing the piano relaxes the brain, which is supported by these harmonies. Often, an idea, which is the result of being lost in thoughts, interrupts the session. It’s all therapy. There is much to do, so much that it looks as if I do not have enough time for music, as if the ideas swallow the time, but this is not true.

20220504, Wed
A new discovery lightens the burden of my life at the moment. Schizophrenia is a brain disorder. Somehow, I tried to exert pressure in the head to alleviate the pain inside the thorax. It formed into a technique that can be compared to draw up objects with the eyes in imagination, so that this sort of pressure in the brain is felt above the ears. It is a natural painkiller. A protection. Not every instrument allows it, but many do, and it works as well while reading. So, I would come from a bad mood from playing the guitar, and I would sit down for reading a page in a book, and soon the pain clears out. Often, such helpful discoveries were useless after some time, but this one is quite promising. It’s supportive to coffee and green tea.

20220426, Tue
Oh, no! Everything is fine as long as I can make music and can work on my language at home. As is the case today, there would be an appointment. But I cannot come. It looks as if stress causes bladder problems now. Or it is the pain. From one problem to the next. That’s not fair! For years, I had diarrhoea. And as I told myself that I won’t keep the appointment, it got better. I wonder where the stress comes from. It is likely that it starts bothering me. That’s not good. But then music is healing. Nice that I have music. It’s a difficult disorder. Maybe, wishing helps. I wish that I find a way out. Humans are intelligent beings, so, it won’t be the end.

20220418, Mon
Musical instruments have become my life. With simple techniques, generally, I am just jamming. By these improvisations, everything is gradually developing and refined. Currently much music is made, especially with the piano and the electric guitars in my possession. It works so well that I have sparely time for a social network. In combination is making music and reading academic books. Also, I am consequently learning vocabulary now. Words are the essential in a language, and there are so many I should know actually. In the world outside, there is not much to do for me, so, nearly all my time goes into having instrumental fun, which constitutes an ultimate therapy. I think that I did not see this years ago.

20220331, Thu
Without knowing it really, I flew for Latin some months ago, and did soon discover a strong connection to English, with many terms coming from Latin, where English has such a big significance in my life. At the moment, learning Latin is pausing, or I don’t follow it eagerly, but there is a thought which should keep the language on my side, as a way to improve talking and writing. A couple of weeks before, the learning drive was so large that it could replace a cup of coffee. Here and there, aside making music, I will construct a short Latin sentence, and the constructions are published on the website. As a strategy to get better, I myself go through these sentences, trying to get the meaning out of the unfamiliar word order, which should be accomplished by simple constructions. Many new words are accumulated.

20220317, Thu
Soon, in my psychosis, speaking problems occurred naturally. Also, I was not talking much anymore. As a kind of therapy, I started to read audibly, which I had practiced for nearly fifteen years. Speaking into the room was as well a promising way to bring back flawless talking again. And it was sometimes very difficult to do that while making music. If the mood is right, simultaneously talking on the instruments is working, but only for a while. Usually, I stop talking then. But, as a new discovery, I now go into dreaming and thinking, where I try to be absent from making music, which gives me strength, I think. Not talking at all should not improve speaking, but it does hold the mood longer. Talking is painful in my case.

20220312, Sat
At the moment, I only seldom produce video recordings. In the past ten years, I was always recording. My intention is to capture the moment where I am technically. It does not pay anymore because my progress is small now on every instrument. Well, I play more than ever, but the development is just slight. And when I then make a video, it should be a nice one, otherwise I get angry nearly. It also does not matter since I get not many views which is a sign that I am not really known. Music is in the foreground every day. Video production swallows much time eventually, and, in my case, there is usually mental exhaustion, especially if it took longer, like overdub videos take longer. When I look into recordings of the past, I often find things that make me happy. Making memories makes sense.

20220303, Thu
In my possession are several musical devices and instruments. The combinations that are possible are manifold. Headphones, for example, make a difference not only in the feel but also of course in sound. I realized that ‘sound’ is crucial for my mood. That I am not live streaming anymore gives me the opportunity to use other devices, like a guitar amplifier which I have for practising. It showed that the amplifier gives the optimal sound where I can go with nearly every adjustment. If I would play over a small monitor, the sound is totally different, and in this case not good for the mood. Now, I wonder why it is just so difficult for me to make music. Other musicians could play drunken and they would not have troubles. But I find a way to play, and it will work for a while.

20220223, Wed
Recently, due to information from my neurologist who told me that too much coffee would block the effect of the medication, I simply tried to drink less, and soon I had success. Green tea was the alternative with which I replaced three cups of coffee more or less. But then the amount of green tea increased and the bladder caused troubles sometimes. Now, I am in a different technique. Light coffee and green tea in exchange. And my brewing method of a cup of coffee or bowl of green tea is different. Half a year ago, I discovered that I get the best mood when I cool down the beverages by cold water instantly after brewing. A reason why I will probably get addicted. I compare it to smoking.

20220205, Sat
Pain is my occupation. It helps enormously to be in a pension in which I do not have to work. In my case, it goes well because I am making music as a fundamental therapy. And when I wasn’t playing the guitar the whole morning, I realize in the afternoon that I was missing the instrument, as I am playing again. Luckily, over the years, I discovered instrumental techniques that give suitable energies against these bad moods. Because I feel the difference directly, I see which technique works and which does not work. Often, it constitutes only a slight alteration, but the energy would be better simply. It doesn’t look as if I would loose these pension, because still the troubles are rather big, and I should be quite happy, having much time for music.

20220204, Fri
As it looks, there is a new recording style. Since the beginning of this year, I work more with the microphone, where a keyboard or piano session is as well recorded by a microphone, so that one can hear me breathing, or one hears the noises of the garment, and especially the keys of the instrument. One should not fear these noises, I think. In my opinion, a recording with a microphone gets more authentic because also the spirit is captured and the soul is in the background of the recording. As a result of working more with the microphone, I rather hesitate to make a recording session since there are more things to do, and therefore more things to put away later. Everything is difficult with a mental disorder like mine.

20220121, Fri
Headphones are like instruments. As I experienced just beforehand, a certain type of headphones that I was always using for the piano is only most suitable for piano effects than for a typical digital piano sound. Another type of headphones in my possession works much better for a digital piano voice. Well, it is about the brightness, I think. Some headphones are brighter than others. It’s like an electric guitar that can be changed in sound, and, at the moment, brightness is something that I do not like really. And then I wonder how professional musicians make it, because a typical guitarist would give a bright solo, and there are usually no signs that he or she feels uncomfortable. In my case, everything needs to be right. That’s sometimes a problem, but I find techniques that help.

20220108, Sat
Often, I feel naturally bad, as a result of the mental disorder. In these situations, the things cannot be done as usual. As I have learned, there then needs to be something exquisite as the best strategy. And it has to be only for a while in most cases. I am thinking of smaller instruments that are laying around in the room. Also, it helps when I am reading a single page in a book in between making music. So much can be improved still. Maybe too much! But I should use my time for that. Actually, I have nothing else to do! And then I would come back to the piano, especially if I was moving beforehand, and there would be energy again. That’s the way I should spend my morning or the afternoon.

20211229, Wed
The year comes to a close, and I am looking back to much instrumental development, especially for the guitar and the piano. Actually, I wanted to focus more on the violin, but anyhow it did not happen really. Instead, the main instruments got refinements. Pleasantly, I can now use the refined techniques, and bridge the whole morning with making music eventually. Later this year, I started to make overdub videos again which I would like to focus on in the coming months. Live streaming had been put aside, and I am not intending to do it anymore, because the live video resolution cannot be good with my connectivity. Maybe, I would get a new camera, and would then experience a push for making video recordings. And it’s all about my website for now.

20211217, Fri
For long, I had dreamt of a session room that would be constantly on air. Live streaming was sometimes also a clear driver for making music. But there is forming itself another thought. It isn’t the best situation for me, now, knowing how it is without streaming. Much is done aside music. The days are not concentrated solely on jamming anymore. And so, creativity gets fed. The thought is that I should focus on videos and on my website, where I actually do a lot already. Often, it only has to do with text but. Video recordings with a second instrument make a dynamic picture, and this is more work. There is no sign that I need a replacement for the driver that live streaming caused. The sessions are shorter now, but there is more variety, and I like that.

20211210, Fri
Over summer still, I was live streaming regularly. And there was a phase where I could stream the whole day, because it was such a big driver for making music. Here, in December, I am not broadcasting anymore. This regular live stream of mine swallowed always three or four hours, and actually it is quite strenuous. Now, I get the difference by just jamming without a connection, without the pressure. And there is time for other things in between, like reading. If I am not moving with an instrument, I would occasionally stand up and walk a bit with working in a book, also on the balcony to get fresh air which is particularly healthy. At the beginning of next year, a few appointments will prevent live streaming for some time, but probably in the early summer it would happen again.

20211129, Mon
For long, to get Arabic tunes, I have been playing the piano as well with two scales that bear an augmented alteration on the 5th or 1st tone of the original diatonic scale, and now I added a scale that is augmented on the 2nd tone, which gives different chords, and also Arabic pictures. It looks as if the new scale with its keys is quite bright, and playing with chords makes a piano session really harmonious, switching between these four scales that I am using. But still, fluency is missing, being in some new territory, in new keys that I have to learn only. Actually, I had it in mind already long beforehand, and I thought that this would be tough, or much work. It isn’t in fact! It’s just a matter of exercise. Playing the piano is more exiting now.

20211128, Sun
In my opinion, background music will get a better place in our societies. Nearly everybody is complaining about insufficient time. If there would be music that does not distract you from your work, and if this music is at the same time supporting your drive, people would be more happy. Especially for programming, if you like to listen to music, it should be faint, because otherwise your concentration is lost. Now, background music should be monotonous which can be achieved by a certain technique that constitutes the whole track, so that there are not really conspicuous elements. And also the length of such a piece of music could be going into extremes. Sometimes, when I listen to my own music, I do not feel so alone, even though it is usually instrumental. In particular genres, a development into background music is seen already.

20211127, Sat
For two or three weeks, I have tried to consume more green tea as a partial replacement for coffee, because I was told by my neurologist that much coffee blocks the effect of the medication that I take. And it worked well, especially in the beginning. But soon, green tea got weaker, and the amount I needed was big. So, I drink more coffee again, and, this afternoon shows clearly that it would be the right thing. It should be seen in a couple of days if I can go on with it also. Regularly, I discovered tricks, now astonishingly in the kitchen as well. Gradually, it is developing, and, I am afraid that most people cannot help me, because they simply do not have knowledge of these often exotic ways of treating the disorder.

Coffee would be the right substance, but the amount of this afternoon is counterproductive. There is now a comparison. Back to green tea! It worked better. In the evening, then, the problems had arisen. Well, the performance of mine has always been advanced, and it has a limit. If I now drink more green tea again, for sure, there have to be pauses, or activities that are not so strenuous. Often, I think about percussion, but never really work on it in reality. The bigger instruments swallow so much attention. Too much coffee is like a red colour for a bull in my case. Sensitivity gets stronger. Green tea should be the best option at the moment.

20211123, Tue
After just a week of playing the guitar with a pick, the pick got slightly damaged, producing unwanted noises on the first three strings. So, I finely grinded it. But even though it is only a bit, the faint roughness of the pick alters the sound, and this, sadly, is enough to build up wrong energy. It cannot be that I need a new pick! Therefore, I will be finger picking again if it really does not work anymore now. Oversensitivity has its price. In some respects, of course, it constitutes an advantage. Maybe, I have to learn to deal with this roughness. But normally, as has been shown often already, it whether works instantly, or it would turn out useless later if it didn’t work perfectly, right at the beginning. And it bothers me to some degree.

20211120, Sat
A typical day bears usually a strict structure from morning to evening. Regularly, I am sleeping at midday, soon after lunch, and have the worst part of the day when I then stand up again. For difficult two hours, the mood won’t come. Much I tried, and found Latin as the best treatment against pain. A couple of years ago, I bought a big dictionary at Oxford University Press where the Latin meanings of the terms are explained in English. So, I translate the meanings to German, and get the Latin terms. One day, I will build small Latin sentences or parts in my song blogs. Pronouncing Latin is great, at least to me, trying to pronounce it with an English accent, where I am actually Austrian, but English has such a big value in my life. In my youth, I discovered the ‘s’ which is already extremely fine. It is heard immediately, I think.

20211117, Wed
It is not so simple to see. Playing the guitar with a pick is working now, at least with a particular type of guitar that is positioned rather down at the stomach. It was headache yesterday, and probably painkiller that contributed to a bad mood, so that I did not feel comfortable in making music, where I thought the pick causes these troubles. Well, there is a difference to finger picking which is fundamentally producing better energy, compared to the guitar pick. But it could be routine with the pick that brings it onto a similar level. One has to practise all the time. My thought is to combine practising with jamming, which goes well with the right attitude. If you tell yourself that mistakes are not so important, then you can show your practice. With progressive improvisations, I can just play. And it is about a certain technique that I am using. After some time, I would switch the instrument for a different landscape and a different moment. There is always happening a lot.

20211116, Tue
Yesterday, at the beginning of the week, I received a package from an order I made at a music store in Germany. There are always things that one needs, and I try to wait until enough things have accumulated, so that I only need to make an order once a year. Ironically, me as a guitarist, who has been playing the guitar for twenty-five years, has but not enough different picks, and only finds out now that merely a hard pick suits my requirements. At least, it looks as if the new pick in my possession would energetically work, in my case, as a mentally disordered person who has troubles with particular instrumental techniques, whereas other picks would give the wrong energy. But it has happened often already that such situations only work as long as they are new and fresh. Otherwise, I would do finger picking again, but here and there the pick would be tried to see if there is a difference.

And hours later, with another guitar but the same pick, where it first looked promising, the energy is nearly lost. Happened twice already, I think. Actually, I am accustomed to that. The things cannot always be easy. Unfortunately, playing the guitar with a pick has to wait. It should come back. Energy flows are changing. Also, it has to do with one’s ability to play the instrument. If one is better, mistakes for example cannot distract and break the flow. Well, I experienced that there is only a slight recognisability of bad energy, but making music is unmanageable with mood swings then. Now, I will further develop finger picking which is a big task by the way. It does not make me sad or frustrated.

20211111, Thu
Clarity has come back. As I was out with friends rather than learning for school, clarity mirrored in things like skating or swimming by making these typical tricks well usually. Skill dominated my youth. With a handicap like mine, skill is restrained, and everything was difficult. But by regularly playing the piano, the guitar, and other instruments, finger dexterity could be recovered. And it is seen in making music, where the melodies and figures are more complete and more friendly. Required for that is also concentration. So, talking has become more ordered as well. One can say that it looks good already. Concretely, I have much to offer, and exactly this, if internalized, constitutes a nice therapy.

Not always, I can play the guitar as I want to play it. Often, a bad mood is like a big stone in the way. And, also, I cannot always move or stand with the instrument, but this is necessary at the moment. In summer still, pick techniques were in use and in development. Later, it turned out that only finger picking works for now. It is whether this or that issue. But then there could be much fun, at least for some time. Things like that have to be remembered. Maybe, I am living too strongly in the present and do not enough look back in the past. The moment is so significant. Sometimes, the guitar especially cuts open my soul so that I am really spaced away and absent in dreaming. It could be a natural painkiller. As I see it, and many other musicians do so as well, I think, music is enlightening.

20211110, Wed
In my life, there is often luck in misfortune. Schizophrenia can be terrible. But because I have so much time for music, being in a pension where I do not have to work, the days are quite beautiful, here and there. It’s that I like to make music so strongly, and, at the same time, these manifold musical activities are the best therapy that I can get. The money I receive is generally used for music equipment, and it’s likely that there will be more instruments. That schizophrenia disappears suddenly is unlikely in my case, and therefore I can concretely count on the money. To me, money is not so important but. It is rather necessary. Some time ago, I placed ‘music’ to the centre of my life, and it makes me happy.

20211106, Sat
There was a time where I tried to find out how chords are named, and I was going through general music theory issues. The basics were acquired, but actually I didn’t come behind the secret of naming chords. So, I started to note a chord by its intervals, and maybe had got a better sense of scales themselves. But for me, this is too difficult to read, and also the notes of the chords cannot be taken up quickly enough. Well, maybe, I had come to new types of chords, which were relevant for the guitar especially, but never really needed notes. And by starting to play other instruments, an instrumental style developed that lets me improvisationally combine two or more instruments. Now, without any problematic, I am exclusively jamming without notes.

20211105, Fri
Today, I realized that playing the piano uses a lot of concentration. It’s better to make small breaks, here and there. The mood is crucial in making music. When I feel good, the tunes are more beautiful. One imagines that beautiful tunes bring the mood, but it’s the mood that brings beautiful melodies by relaxation and therefore concentration. The listener, rather, gets the mood from the music. A musician uses the brain to play an instrument, and brain performance has a limit. If I reached my limit, the mood is at a low and can only be built up again by a break, a cup of coffee, green tea, or the medication. Eventually, I will work more with percussion instruments that should constitute a pause from the big piano.

20211104, Thu
As I had enough money for a flute, and as I then brought my first tones into being, there was surprise. Excitement came over me because the sound of the instrument was quite beautiful. Eagerly, I played it again and again, but with the time came also consciousness about imprecision. Since I am drinking much coffee and green tea for the mood, the lips are often dry. And that’s the reason why the tones were not always accurate. So, I got angry. Here and there, I tried it again but. Without success. Accidentally, a different technique was found. Now, and it works well with dry lips, I am silently playing the flute by breathing the tones. One advantage is that less lung power is necessary, something that I like, being rather weak physically. At the moment, the instrument is played only a bit in between the regular sessions.

20211101, Mon
There are always certain patterns while improvising with a particular technique that do not vary so soon. They would come in many variations for some time, until one can speak of development when some pattern does not occur clearly anymore. At least, this is so in my case, where I am exclusively improvising. It is a big reason why I make instrumental videos regularly, trying to capture the moment of the stage I am in, being able to compare recordings from the past. It falls under documentation. But one can also say that it is a sort of diary. Over the years, much has happened technically. Sometimes, I discover things that I have forgotten, and would again take them up in my repertoire. These data help me to remember.

20211031, Sun
The development on the guitar came to a halt for now. Again and again, there had been instrumental findings that made playing the instrument easier. Particular techniques were refined energetically. So, it’s all about jamming at the moment. And it is whether this or that guitar. They not only sound different, they feel different as well. That’s what makes me rich. That I can choose between several guitars. Fact is that I would like to have some more but there is no space for new instruments still, living in a small dwelling. Intentionally, I will work with four main guitars for a long time, until there would be new ones, I think. It is not necessary! One can say the instruments in my possession satisfy my performance.

20211030, Sat
Practising an instrument swallows a lot of time. Musicians easily start taking drugs just to play much more. They forget that music is about ‘making’ music, and not about getting the best or fastest. Well, there is no doubt that the competition is tough. But isn’t it rather about coming together also? This afternoon, I realized that I am spending too much time on the piano, so that other, smaller instruments are not touched at all. The thought as an instrumentalist is not to be flexible on every instrument, but to use interconnectedness to maybe break secrets on my individual main instruments. There is actually so much to do that I am not capable of reaching an end. It’s like walking. One could walk forever but in reality life stops you. And I tell myself that I am just walking with the time.

20211029, Fri
Each time I stand up, I usually do not feel good. But if there is something to do, like making a video recording, where I am concentrated and focused, it bridges the problems. Recently still, live streaming was the reason for a great drive, and I was streaming the whole day. Logically, an excessive performance cannot work for long in my case, and so it didn’t. Recording a video involves a bit of background activities, like preparing the project for rendering, but also putting the equipment that was in use back to its place again. And then, the troubles are gone, and life feels as it should feel also, at least for some time. A small reward is the video itself that can be watched and studied if one likes to do that, and therapeutic to me is sharing it on my website. There is an audience, and people like my music.

Aside making music, reading is a repeated occupation of mine. Perhaps a single page only constitutes a sort of break. For around ten years, as a speaking exercise, I had read these books exclusively audibly which is a bit more strenuous, but has helped enormously. And now, I switched to reading in the head which makes reading more fun, I think. Also as a speaking exercise, which has to be, living in solitude, I am seriously and deliberately talking into the room, where I imagine people who are listening, and where I directly address somebody. In my case, schizophrenia causes speaking mistakes, and I for myself would not believe to be not schizophrenic anymore if there would still be speaking mistakes. Sooner or later, I guess, everything is fine.

20211028, Thu
The course of my mental disorder was typical at the beginning. It’s a serious case. Often, a neurologist said that I am very quick, and that I would make a very good progress. Fact is that such a progress is very faint, and it takes years until one sees a clear improvement. Anyway, as all the others as well, I think, I struggled with psychological issues. But now, with nearly 40 years of age, schizophrenia is rather physical. For example, too much exercise causes a bad mood for half a day. In such instances, because once a week at least one has to move, being in the city, or somewhere, I then sit a lot at the piano and just play. That’s why I call the instrument ‘wheelchair’. It has the potential to make a bad day bright.

20211027, Wed
It looks as if I got evidence this afternoon for music-making as a necessity to feel good. In the morning, I annoyed myself, later, on the computer while I just didn’t find out so soon how some adjustments have to be set. As a result, the instruments were neglected for longer. Also, lack of movement had contributed to a weak performance. Regularly, I am sleeping at midday, but I stand up very early usually, and can normally play the piano as the instrument with which I begin making music in the afternoon. But obviously things were blocking, even with coffee. Moving was necessary to reactivate this lack of musical performance, so, I was playing the guitar, and the tunes and sounds that inevitably run through the brain brought back the drive.

20211026, Tue
As a replacement for stage performances, I make video recordings regularly. The camera is the door to an audience that I would not have otherwise. Even though my device is a semi-pro, the pictures are good enough. Maybe, it is a bit complicated since I have no line input, but therefore the audio, which I am recording separately in a good quality usually, is better. If I look to the filming industry, I see that audio is often not in real time. When my current camera has served its use, there will be a new one which would be more professional. Sooner or later, the music of mine can afford the professional. Later, some people would like to know what I was doing, and it could be documented. It is likely that my videos would find its way in certain theatres, but also that my websites will offer a modern streaming experience. The camera brings as well ideas to me.

As a consumer, one cannot know everything. Often, I get disappointed out of lack of technical knowledge, so that the intention can’t be fulfilled. Then, I think, I should withdraw to making music because that’s the thing I rather should do. In life, sooner or later, one specializes in a particular field, and can offer one’s expertise. In fact, everybody has to accept that not everything can be done and known. Even though one tries out combinations, or something, it won’t lead to success. That’s the way it is. So, I once more place music to the centre of my life, and specialize in instrumentality. Later, I can offer my prowess, and would get the fruits of many years of practising and playing.

20211025, Mon
In playing an instrument with a particular technique, particular brain regions are activated or in use. After some time, the mood would fall because the regions get weak, to say. But with changing the technique, the mood comes back again. Schizophrenia needs to be tricked out. Naturally, without really knowing it, I accumulated nearly all important instruments, one after the other, into my small musical realm, for which the money I get from a special pension was taken, and started to work with them. The talent to play a new instrument is given. Usually, there is interconnectedness, and so one finds parallels. With switching to another instrument, the brain has a completely different task. And it goes for a while until weakness is stronger. To me, it would also be boring to always do the same.

20211024, Sun
Maybe everywhere, dreaming is a crucial factor in creativity. Jamming alone, which I do exclusively, triggers thinking. All you need to do is to bring an idea into being. A typical morning gives you an incentive per se, for instance. All my troubles are likely to disappear and be forgotten if I immerse myself into themes that I am treating – I am regularly talking with the walls as a speaking exercise, where I imaging interlocutors – and make music at the same time. In some cases, these simultaneity is not so easy. But over the years, one can see a recognizable development. There are not many musicians who are talking while they are playing their instrument, I think. This would be a new form of entertainment. One does not need to speak constantly. By improvising, I do not have to concentrate much on the instrument that I am playing currently, and dreaming starts naturally, so that ideas and themes for talking can be formed here and there.

Dexterity is enormously important in music. In no way, I would start to take drugs because my skill would get damaged, for sure. Many general things one has to do in life, for example order, let me keep my fingers warm and strong. As a boy, I was extremely skilful. We were playing in nature. With the wrong friends in my youth, I started to smoke and did not realize that my deftness was fading. But the big damage came with schizophrenia. Now, I am trying to get rid of light hand tremor, and in no circumstance would I start smoking again. Little things help in the long run. Doing the kitchen and the dishes regularly. It’s an attitude believing that these things foster the flexibility of the fingers that makes work aside making music particular. As I always say, diversity matters.

20211023, Sat
One day, I decided to play the acoustic violin as well. It didn’t take long and I had enough money for a rather good instrument. For long, I had been trying to play it as one plays it usually, but gave up because it was never precise. Especially the violin translates imprecision and mistakes badly onto the mood. A special and simpler way of making tones was found by me then. It is very progressive, and maybe it needs to be progressive in my case, as somebody with a mental disorder, to do not distract me, where I fall into dreaming, and where I am a bit absent, so that the violin is played unconsciously and automatically. Simplicity is very important for that situation.

Also if I do not touch the drums for two weeks, or so, a session then has its quality nevertheless. Actually, I am not professional, but it is good. And good enough to make overdub recordings in combination with other instruments. It’s just a bit complicated to place a camera and adjust its perspective since the session room is quite small. Too lazy I am, I think. With percussion elements, like singing bowls and mini bongos, the sound landscape is not typical. Deliberately, I am not using tom-toms. And mainly, I am playing the instrument with brushes, especially because I try to respect the neighbours, and avoid loudness.

For years, I have written on Twitter about the stuff that I do, but got never really a good response. Seriously, I believe it is because I am schizophrenic, and that the people fear to trigger something, or don’t like to accept me because there are many bad stories about such people like me. And now, I do something else. Back in my mind, it should be improving my English, as Twitter has done that also. It is before my eyes but I didn’t see it. The websites of mine offer much to fulfil my intention, and some things were already neglected. It’s likely that I will write much more, compared to Twitter, and it goes now a bit deeper into the matter. Anyway, text can be found on the internet.

20211022, Fri
Still, I am standing up early in the morning, and soon start with making music. Regularly, I am audio streaming into the day, usually with the piano as my first instrument. It then develops into other things like guitar, drums, and violin. There is now constantly a microphone in my room which I open sometimes. Some instruments, especially percussion things, but also the recorder or flute, for example, can be played when a guitar is on the shoulder, and so one can quickly switch between them. Sadly, I need to stop, sooner or later, and do other things, like cooking which swallows a lot of time in fact. But if time allows it, I make music again.

Instead of smoking a cigarette, I place myself outside on the balcony with a book, a dictionary, a pencil, and maybe sun glasses for just reading a single page, or more pages, to get fresh air which is a natural way against tiredness, and also good for one’s condition. In my youth, I used to smoke a lot, so that I was coughing often. It’s so great without it! Recently, this spring, as I was buying myself a new guitar, which has a tobacco colour, I told my mother that I am smoking guitars by playing them, something that I told my own as well, as there came memories from darker times.

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Paranoid Schizophrenia, brain disorder
Thomas Neubauer

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